Pain or Sadness?

I don't know what I should feel anymore. Yes, I said I should move on and that somehow I could feel that I've moved on already. But I don't feel happy. It's like I'm missing something. It feels like there should be something only it wasn't there. It's like I have to choose between pain or sadness.

I feel the pain when I think that it's impossible. That I'm the only one who is thinking that there is something. But when he suddenly shows or do something, hope rushes in and I feel somehow happy... delighted. But this sadness that I'm currently feeling, it seems like even if he shows or do something, since I'm trying hard to move on, I don't really give a damn about it. So that thing that he does or shows, doesn't have any effect on me, which makes me still sad. So I'm thinking, should I just accept the pain and hurt so that I could still feel happy even sometimes or just move on and feel sad? 

I really miss the feeling of 'kinikilig'. Pero if I stop moving on, baka hindi na ko makatigil ulit. Naisip ko, bakit nga ba ako nalulungkot? Siguro kasi pag nakikita ko sya, hindi na katulad ng dati. Dati kasi sumasaya ako pag kinukulit nya ako. Pero nung isang araw kahit kinukulit nya ako, parang wala lang. 

Bahala na. Ang gulu-gulo ko talaga. Adik.